Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
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Things are changing at Hogwarts. Death eathers are on the loose, and security is many times stronger than before. Some death eaters are even lurking in the corridors of Hogwarts itself, plotting something horrible. Some kids are being taken from Hogwarts by concerned parents. Teaching positions are being switched around, much to Harry's dismay. And death awaits someone no one could have expected...
Losing Virginity « Result #1 on Mar 20, 2009, 8:45pm »
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"
"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."
Innocent Knitting « Result #3 on Mar 20, 2009, 8:45pm »
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
Trip To Europe « Result #4 on Mar 20, 2009, 8:45pm »
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I¡¯m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I¡¯ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he¡¯s screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
Under The Table « Result #5 on Mar 20, 2009, 8:44pm »
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Suspicious Mother « Result #6 on Mar 20, 2009, 8:44pm »
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner. Love, Brian".
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
"Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie; I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Aunt Karens Moral « Result #7 on Mar 20, 2009, 8:44pm »
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"
Happy Gorrila « Result #8 on Mar 20, 2009, 8:44pm »
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . "
Christmas Love! « Result #9 on Mar 20, 2009, 8:06pm »
Is Christmas dying? Holly that hang from the door is disappearing, Lights don¡¯t shine so bright. Christmas goodwill and spirit is hard to be found, Feeling I¡¯ve found my scrooge. Is it now that I¡¯ve grown I see a different picture, Not so tinted in green and gifts. Santa filling my stocking, Everything such a dream through a child eyes. Nativity plays being played at school, The birth of Christ instilled into our lives. Life is changing with so many different cultures and beliefs. Will the true meaning be lost? When we have people digging a hole with their wallets. Christmas is not about the biggest present, Or how much money you¡¯ve spent. Christmas for me is about love, Giving it through goodwill, with a smile or just being there. People may lose faith in religion, Never lose faith in Christmas, Christmas is love!
The Window of Heaven « Result #10 on Mar 20, 2009, 8:06pm »
The window of Heaven is open, The angels can fly to and fro, And those that I love can all gather, And look down at Christmas below. For Christmas is special in Heaven, The love is so easy to see, And down from the window at Christmas, God sends a present to me. 'I will forever be with you, Your side, I shall always be near, And though you may not always see me, In your heart I will always be there. I will warm up your soul during Christmas, My love is a fire burning bright, Then my blanket of love will surround you, And keep you all through the night. On the brink of your Christmas morning, I'll be the star at the top of the tree, Shining my light on your teardrops, You'll see a reflection of me. Then as the gifts are all opened, With the children encircling the hearth, Look deep in their little faces, Their kisses will be from my heart. For the window of Heaven is open, My love can pour out so free, And those that I love can all gather, And look up to Heaven at me.'
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